Unlike chemistry or physical traits, your shared values are the things that make you feel fulfilled in your partnership, cause you to be compatible, and make it last the long haul.
I have my clients choose the top five values they want to share with their partners. These are the things that make them feel fully expressed in their most ideal vision for a relationship. And then these become their deal breakers when dating. Meaning, if they find someone who only meets four of the five values, they keep it moving.
The Gottman Institute shows that 69% of issues in a marriage are perpetual, meaning they’ll never be resolved, but we can do our best to manage our energy and communicate around them. Choosing someone with our top five shared values is like saying you’re willing to grieve the bottom 69% of things that will never be the exact way you want them, because you were able to get the top 31% of things you care about the most. These are the things that you generally won’t disagree about, or won’t have to yearn for, because you will already be aligned.
To choose your shared values, see the below examples for some inspiration. And remember, these are in addition to non-negotiables that I believe everyone should require in a high-quality partnership (e.g., trust, commitment, safety, honesty, can communicate effectively and respectfully, prioritizes the relationship, etc.). The shared values are qualities that are unique to you.
- Someone ambitious and passionate about their career
- Someone into personal development and growth-oriented
- Someone curious and a lifelong learner
- Someone who enjoys having deep conversations
- Same idea of fun (hiking, adventure, travel, same type of humor, likes to try restaurants, go to concerts, walk in nature, read at home, etc.)
- Someone health-conscious (works out, eats healthy, pays attention to what they consume, etc)
- Shared religion, faith, or spirituality
- Shared mindfulness through meditation, yoga, etc.
- Same principles around money and what you spend your money on or save for
- Wanting monogamy, marriage and kids (or any other combination thereof)
- Someone family-oriented
- Someone who is green and eco-friendly
- Someone who has similar political or social views
- Someone who wants the same kind of partnership (e.g., equal partnership where both parties contribute, one where partners are thoughtful and considerate and show it in the way you prefer, etc.)
- Someone who is kind and generous (not solely towards you — as I’d want all of our partners to be that way towards us — but towards everyone out in the world)
And because what your brain focuses on expands, write these down somewhere you’ll see them frequently and you’ll start seeing more and more potential partners who fulfill these qualities!
If you are growth-oriented and want to learn more about yourself — your conscious and unconscious patterns — and how you can connect with a partner in a more aligned and harmonious way, I can help you.
This is exactly what I help my clients with, using a methodical step-by-step process to get you where you want to be.
If you’re wanting to finally meet your person once and for all, sign up to coach with me and let’s get started!