When you’re on a first date, you don’t need to find out every detail to know if they are “the one”.
With that said, you CAN be intentional so that you don’t waste time on the wrong partners and so that you start identifying those potential partners that are promising.
See below for four tips to start gathering important data on the other party and put you in the best position to make a connection with your ideal match.
1. Be clear about what they are looking for.
Make it known that you are interested in a long-term committed relationship and get clear on if they are aligned with that goal.
I see so many women who are afraid to ask their dates what they’re looking for, and don’t share what they’re looking for, because they’re afraid it will scare men off.
Trust me, a high quality man who is actually looking for a committed long-term relationship has no problem saying it. And does not get scared when you say it.
If anything, he will appreciate and admire the fact that you know what you want and have no problems stating it. Men (and women) are attracted to confidence. To you being able to simply and clearly state what you want.
They’ll also respect you for stating what your boundaries are. They WANT to know the rules so they can figure out how to please you and make you happy.
They WANT a challenge because they ultimately value what they EARN.
Look for a clear response from a partner. Men say what they mean and mean what they say.
If a man says, “If it happens, it happens,” that is not the same!
Also beware of “the disclaimer.” This is something someone says to communicate to you that they cannot give you what you want. They say it to let themselves off the hook. So that they don’t have to feel guilty if you get hurt down the road because they warned you and you decided to stick around anyway. It’s now on you.
This sounds like:
- I’m not looking for a relationship
- I’m not ready
- I have no business being in a relationship right now
- I’m broken
- You’re too good for me
- You can do so much better
- Why do you like me?
- I’m flattered
- I’m only focused on work right now
Don’t wait around for someone that’s telling you they’re not your person.
You deserve so much better and there’s someone out there who would love to give it to you.
2. Ask questions to gather data to see if they have your top five values (dealbreakers) that you want to be able to share with a partner.
Put together a list of five values you need to be able to share with a partner otherwise you won’t be able to live out your most true and beautiful relationship.
These can be things like an avid learner, ambitious, spiritual, has the same principles on money, religious, health-conscious, avid traveler, has the same ideas of fun, etc.
And then get detailed on how you’re going to know when they meet each of those five criteria.
Then now these become your guideposts. If they don’t meet your five values, then that’s a deal breaker. (We don’t settle here!)
And yes, you only get five because otherwise you might miss the opportunity of getting to know someone who you can truly be happy with.
3. Catch judgments. Lean in. Be curious. And remember, chemistry can build.
If there is no chemistry, ask yourself: what am I doing to create chemistry? People get nervous and don’t act like themselves on first dates sometimes. Are you making them feel comfortable? Accepted? Like they can be themselves? Are you being vulnerable so that they can, too? Don’t expect magic to be created for you. You have to co-create it!
I hear so many women say that there was no chemistry on their first date and that’s the reason they’re moving on.
But the reality is that chemistry can build. Sometimes it’s instantaneous, sure. But sometimes it needs a few dates to develop.
The thing is that when chemistry is instantaneous, it likely just means you two have similar functioning (e.g., similar childhoods or parent-child dynamics that feels familiar, you played similar or complementing roles or identities in your upbringing or in life, have opposite attachment styles, etc.).
A lot of times we find people that remind us of the struggles we had with our parents or past loved ones so that we can recreate it and finally win them over (gain their approval, feel validated, feel enough, etc.).
But those aren’t the things that are shown to make a connection last for the long-haul.
Finding someone who is in integrity, has your non-negotiables and the values you want to share with a partner, who makes you feel seen and accepted when you’re with them, who respects your wants, needs, boundaries… (to name a few) are the kinds of things that will.
And to know if someone has these traits can only be observed over time with consistent interactions.
Chemistry can develop once you get to know the deeper level of who someone is. Someone who you thought things could only be platonic, can show you a different side to them and ignite that flame once you see that.
So give someone a few dates to get to know them. Ask the deep questions to uncover what might be there. Be open and curious so that you create a space where they feel safe to open up and be seen.
And the next time you find yourself thinking there’s no chemistry here, ask yourself what you are doing to actively create that connection.
4. Practice your growth moves.
Be mindful of your M.O. in dating and practice doing the opposite.
For example, if you are more reserved, practice putting yourself out there and let yourself experience tolerable discomfort and small risks in order to connect to someone.
If you tend to make quick judgments, be curious and ask more questions to really see if they’re the way you think they are.
P.S. If you are growth-oriented and want to learn more about yourself — your conscious and unconscious patterns — and how to connect with a partner in a more aligned and harmonious way, I can help you.
This is exactly what I help my clients with in my 1-on-1 coaching program, using a methodical step-by-step process to get you in the relationship you want to be in.
I gathered all the tools that worked for me to get from single for 7 years in NYC, having pseudo-relationship after pseudo-relationship, to coupled up and in my dream relationship.
Now let’s help you find YOUR person.
All you have to do is get in touch, then I’ll guide you through the rest!