Securely-attached dates feel boring at first, if you’re healing an insecure attachment 

If they don’t create the push-pull involved the attachment bonds, they may feel boring, safe, bland or unexciting. You may not be initially attracted to them or feel like “there’s just no chemistry.”

When in reality, they are just emotionally available and actually able and ready to give you the secure commitment you’re looking for. This may feel too easy to you, so you in turn search for someone who will make it harder.

You’ve grown so used to someone not being able to meet your needs (or doing it inconsistently), and you trying to earn love, that you’ve now learned that’s the way love should feel like (this could be from a parent not fully seeing you or meeting your emotional needs, or from exes).

If you’re anxious, you’re used to the inconsistency. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. And it does something to our brain that makes us obsessed. But this only creates euphoric highs and relief when they actually show up, and excruciating painful lows when they don’t.

“Lightning bolt” attraction just means they have something that feels familiar. That they recreate a dynamic from your past that always tempts you. That’s your default zone — you’re used to it — but it doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

Some tips to break through this pattern:

  1. Give people at least three dates (if they don’t have other dealbreakers) to see if chemistry can build. 
  2. Be open to people you wouldn’t normally be open to. 
  3. Get used to seeing availability, openness and consistency as attractive.

See if the attraction and chemistry can develop. I’ve seen it happen for my clients many times!

If you are growth-oriented and want to learn more about yourself — your conscious and unconscious patterns — and how you can connect and create a relationship with a partner in a more aligned and harmonious way, this is what I help my clients with.

Remember, attachment styles are fluid and you can work to build a secure attachment and partnership.

Sign up for a consult call and let’s start coaching today! 

And follow me on Instagram @victoriamiretti for more dating and relationship tips.