The Gottman Institute states that 94% of the time, how a conversation starts determines how it’s going to end. This proves that how we ask for something, or how we express a complaint, matters. It doesn’t matter that we deserve what we ask for, if how we say it doesn’t land with the other person. Or if how we say it is shown to make the other person feel criticized or defensive.

See below a three-step communication tool with a soft start-up for asking for what you want (or expressing a complaint) that’s shown to give you a better chance at being heard and getting what you want.

1. State something you appreciate about them related to what you are asking for (we all want to hear some good along with the “bad”)

2. State your need in a clear and concise manner (they can think we don’t trust them to meet our needs if we over explain)

3. Invite them to collaborate to get to a solution (their ideas might be better or more successful than ours, and if they are theirs, they might be more invested in doing it)

For example,

1. I really love how hard you work. Your ambition is one of the qualities that drew me to you

2. Lately though, we’ve been planning dates during the week when you are tired and it doesn’t seem like you have energy left over for us to have quality time

3. What do you think we can do about that?

And if something is emotional, heavy, or deeply personal, I would suggest adding how it makes you feel (people can’t argue with how you feel or your experience of the situation, and it helps connect to their heart rather than the logical part of them)

For example,

1. When you don’t read the articles I send you it makes me feel unseen

2. I need you to respond when I send you something so I feel acknowledged

3. What do you think?

And lastly, if you’re at a point in your relationship or dating where you want to know where you stand, or what they want, so you can make sure your wants and expectations coincide, see the example wording below:

“Hey. I wanted to check in with you. I’m at a point in my life where I know I want something meaningful that can lead to a long-term committed relationship, and I want to make sure we want the same things. What do you think about that?”

And remember, you can’t say or do the wrong thing with the right person ♥️

If they’re your person, they will want to show up for you, and in these moments, they’re showing you exactly who they are and want to be with you.

You deserve everything you want.

If you want help connecting with a partner in a more harmonious way, I can help you.

I will help you uncover everything that’s getting in your way in attracting who and what you want in your love life.

If you’re finally willing to look inside yourself to see what might be blocking you, sign up for a consult call and let’s get started coaching one-on-one so you can find your person once and for all!