If you are attracting emotionally unavailable partners, it might mean that there is a part of you that is also emotionally unavailable. Hear me out…
For some women that have been hurt in the past or had tough relationship experiences, it sometimes creates a part of us that becomes emotionally unavailable (until healed).
A part of us that fears getting hurt again, so it’s hesitant to get involved with available, high-quality guys that want to show up for us in the way we want, because we know there is a high possibility of us getting attached and therefore potentially getting hurt again.
It would mean we’d have to put our guard down again, and that’s really scary. Therefore, sometimes this part of us unconsciously goes for partners who are unavailable because we know they can’t hurt us. Because we know they won’t even get there (to commitment). It’s like a “I’ll reject myself before you can” kind of thing.
And this is all happening unconsciously so it’s tricky to detect. Consciously, we might tell ourselves, “I’ll just see this person casually until I find the real thing,” but then we let ourselves fall for them because deep down we really want commitment. But it’s the attraction to them that led us to them in the first place that is the unconscious emotionally unavailable part of us that needs to be healed.
Another reason might be that we may have had an emotionally unavailable or inconsistent caregiver growing up, so that we are accustomed to that emotional unavailability and therefore attract it in a partner due to it being a default comfort zone, or a way of trying to replay the dynamic with that caregiver to finally get the love, approval, validation, or reassurance that we wanted as a child.
Sometimes the other way this can play out is that we believe things like “it’s easy to attract men who are unavailable” and “it’s harder to attract our match” so in our mind we create that belief and what we believe comes about, so we keep seeing more of what proves that to be true. We know it’s easy to attract guys that are unavailable so you think “of course this guy will like me” so that confident energy makes it so that he does. But when we are more invested, and are afraid they might not return the feeling, we come with a less confident energy, and may not always attract men who are available so easily as we do the others. (And if this is you, it is totally not a problem – it’s just something to become aware of and work on).
Further, if we are of the thought “I only attract unavailable men” or “All men are unavailable” and keep focusing on that, we will continue to see and attract men who prove that to be true.
What we focus on expands.
Even if we keep thinking I don’t want this kind of guy, your attention is still on that kind of guy so you see and attract more of it in your life (the mind doesn’t understand speaking in the negative). This is the law of attraction. Trust me, I know this because I learned it the hard way in my past. For a time I thought “men just want casual,” therefore I kept attracting men that just wanted casual, perpetuating my belief.
So that’s why focusing on what you do want in a partner and your vision for your ideal partnership is so important in manifesting your person. When you focus on the traits you want, you start focusing your attention on people who have the possibility of fulfilling those traits, and being more open to them. And more of these people magically pop into your life like clockwork. But you have to BELIEVE wholeheartedly that they are out there. And that they are ready for you right now. Remember, whatever we believe is there for us, can present itself.
Even if someone has a part of them that is emotionally unavailable, and they are healing that, but they keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners from time to time while they heal, it is not a problem. Because that person is not the same person of their past. They’re onto themselves. They won’t act like they did in the past. They can choose how to respond to these emotionally unavailable partners now, say no, and move on.
And that sends a clear message to the universe of what you want and don’t want, so then the universe can start sending you more of what you do want and less of what you don’t want. (If you accept the attention of unavailable partners now, the universe has no motivation to send you anything different because it thinks: they’re clearly okay with what they have in front of them, so why would I send them anything new.)
And lastly… beware of being addicted to the highs and lows that come from relationships with unavailable men. Sometimes we are so used to that dynamic that anything that is actually secure and safe (and with a guy that is actually available and willing to show up for us in the way that we want) seems bland, boring and like there’s no spark or chemistry. No excitement.
But chemistry can build over a few dates. So it’s also about giving these guys that are secure and safe more of a chance to see if that spark can build. I’ve seen it happen many, many times!
If you want to reveal, solve and heal all of the parts of you that may be attracting what you don’t want (or repelling what you do want), this is what I help my clients with.
I have a step- by-step process to uncover what is blocking you from attracting the partner you want, and then solving that so you can finally get what you deserve in a relationship.
If you’re ready to do the work to finally get what you want, message me for a consult call to start coaching one-on-one!