One thing that people with an anxious attachment style seek and crave is love, closeness and affection. One of those ways that we love to experience that connection is through physical intimacy.
While dating, I’ve noticed that some of my clients will start to seek closeness with their partners and fall into physical intimacy quickly in the relationship as a way to experience that closeness, if they aren’t able to get it in other ways. They let themselves have the “second place trophy”.
It’s like saying, “Well, if they aren’t telling me that they are into me yet, or letting me in emotionally, and therefore I’m not getting the connection, validation and reassurance that I really want, at least I can get it through sex.”
When we don’t get reassurance from our significant others of their feelings for us, or the commitment that we seek, sometimes we opt to get it in the other ways we know how. For anxious attachers, physical intimacy tends to be a very comfortable way for us to experience connection.
Is physical intimacy the only way you’re experiencing emotional connection with your significant other?
If so, notice if you’re settling for it as the only way to get the connection, validation, closeness and reassurance you crave.
Know that you are worthy of holding out for commitment and the emotional connection you deserve. You don’t need to settle for that second place trophy. There are partners out there that can give you both (emotional and physical intimacy).
Beware of letting yourself slip into it because at that point, you may find yourself in a situationship or relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. A relationship that leaves you feeling like your basic needs are too much to ask for, with your wants and needs always just out of reach, and constantly feeling like you are betraying yourself and your vision for what you want in your life.
And to be clear, there is nothing wrong with being physically intimate before commitment.
This is a reminder for those who use it as a way to experience connection but would prefer to have it all – a partner who can hold space for their own emotions and yours, who can communicate how they feel about you, who can make plans fo the future, who can commit – and who might be settling for solely physical intimacy because otherwise they aren’t getting any connection at all.
Remember, attachment styles are fluid and you can absolutely work to build a secure attachment and partnership.
If you’d like to start your journey towards a secure attachment so you can attract an available and secure partner, message me to schedule a consult and let’s start coaching 1-on-1.