Beware of slipping into these patterns before commitment, which are privileges that should be earned.
If we allow the relationship to build up in a steady progression, and let these patterns be earned along the way, there is more hope for building a solid foundation of trust and intimacy to fall back on when the initial sparks flicker.
- Texting all day every day (make this a steady build up. Keep some of the mystery alive. Let them miss you, think about you, wonder if you’re available for a date. Otherwise I see people get to hot too quickly and then fizzle out because there isn’t an emotional bond to bring them back together when the chemistry or conversation flickers, which is normal)
- Making yourself available whenever they want
- Keep your personal and social life full even after meeting a potential partner. If they know they can have you whenever they want, it’s too easy. People value what they earn. Further, it shows you have standards for what and who you put your energy into and they need to show up to them
- Seeing them as frequently as they want during the week. It’s nice to get excited about a new connection but you want to make sure you’re building a healthy, steady bond that’s strengthens over time
- Accepting last minute date propositions (with limited exceptions). If someone thinks you are a priority, they will reach out ahead of time to make sure they can get on your calendar
- Canceling on friends or other hobbies and commitments for them (people like when their partners have a full life and support system. It’s healthy. We can’t get all of our needs met from our partners. Plus it’s what makes you unique and interesting. Practice keeping other areas of your life a priority from the beginning)
- Going over each other’s places (leads to accepting casual encounters vs. them courting you to impress you to show you they are worthy of all these privileges. If you don’t even go there, you won’t have to make the hard choice)
- Physical intimacy (the boundaries on this is up to you to determine. How does this usually play out for you? If we want different results, we need to try a different strategy)
Their effort is usually the highest in the beginning. After that, it usually tapers off or at best, stays the same. If they are interested in you, they are showing you their best and pulling out all the stops. Make sure your standards are supporting you to receive this… because you deserve the best.
This does not mean that if they try any of the above, they are not a high-quality partner, but it is up to you to determine what boundaries are the right fit for you and communicate those. If they are into you, they will want you to feel comfortable and won’t mind going at your pace.
And you can communicate those boundaries in a way that still respects their feelings and encourages them.
If you want to work on your boundaries and attract the high-quality partner you know you’re worthy of, this is what I help my clients with.
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